Road Game Journal: Miami 30, Clemson 21 (2010)

The Road Game Journal feature will detail our excursions to various Miami Hurricanes road games over the years.  Hide the children, because when you wear orange and green to an opposing team’s stadium, well, they tend to not take to it kindly.   The below article details our trip the see the Canes take on Clemson on October 2nd, 2010.

Ahhh, Clemson.  I had such good memories from our first trip there in 2005.  A fan base so courteous it borders on the bizarre, coupled with a sea of tan skinned blonde co-eds.  My college buddy Khalil flew up from Florida and stayed the week here in Atlanta prior to our road trip to Death Valley.  We hit up the Alice in Chains concert earlier in the week, met up with some old college buddies, and made sure to go to bed early on Friday so we could hit the road at 7:30 am for the 2 hour drive to Clemson.  I had heard that traffic is a nightmare for noon games, so I wanted to make sure to arrive with plenty of time to tailgate.

So, my buddy Troy swings by at 7:30 to pick us up and we pick up his friend Mike on the way and we’re on the road by 7:40 am.  Canes are 2-1 and this is a huge game for them.  All four of us are Canes fans so we start talkin about the game and next thing I know, we’re at the Clemson exit in record time.  Troy must have channeled his inner Michael Schumacher, cuz we hit our exit at 9:15 am and are a mere 10 miles away from campus.  So we stop by a gas station to pick up some beer for the tailgating.  The obscene amount of Natty Light cases lets me know I’m not in the city any more.  And then, like a beacon of light, I see this beauty calling my name.  Ms. Pac Man.  Other than my fiance, there is no finer woman I’d like to set my eyes upon.  I’m like the Peter North of Ms. Pac Mans in Atlanta, I’ve hit up almost every one.  I see this one in some podunk town in Clemson and laugh at its meager 110,000 high score.  I say, ‘Hold up, I gotta light this b*tch up.’  25 cents and 15 minutes later, that’s exactly what I did.  Crushed that high score by 30K despite being a bit rusty.  I should start a Ms. Pac Man Pundit site, I’m so good.

So, after my dominant display, we head towards the stadium to tailgate.  We still have about 2 1/2 hours before kickoff.  Only, the road was f’n gridlocked (I’m talkin inching along) the ENTIRE f’n way.   I don’t know who designed the roads into Clemson, but he (or she) is a f’n idiot.  Who the F designs a narrow two lane road as the only option into a college town housing an 80,000 seat stadium?  For the next two hours, we sat in our car, rolling at a snail’s pace.  I swear, Rosie O’Donnell could’ve walked backwards faster than we were goin.

An hour passes and we’re about half a mile further than before so I dig into my snacks.  That, combined with my game day nerves resulted in some mean gas brewin inside me.  I contemplate hittin the Windows Lock button prior to releasing, thus forcing my three car mates to fester in my foul stench, but opt not to.  Hey, I’m maturing.  We finally pull into a parking lot around noon.  Troy shotguns two beers and Khalil heads into the bushes to take a leak.  Khalil looks around and says, ‘Hey, is this where they filmed ‘Deliverance’?'  We then book it to the stadium, only to hear the PA announcer say ‘Matt Bosher for the extra point’ as we’re 100 yards from the entrance.  F me!

As we’re headin to our seats, I look around and am mesmerized by what I see.  Hot blonde, followed by hot blonde.  I could not believe how many fiiiiine lookin ladies I saw.  Here, take a look for yourself.  This wasn’t even the hottest chick I saw that day (it was just the only one that I could discreetly snap a photo of without being slapped in handcuffs).  By the way, what’s up with the dude in black socks and sandals?  WTF?  What’re you, an 80 yr old grandpa from South Florida?  The bevy of attractive young ladies makes Clemson the anti-Columbus, if you will.  They must grow hot petite blondes in a lab out there or something.  Skin tanned to a golden brown hue, each with a body tighter than Knowshon Moreno’s hamstrings.  And with the noon kickoff on a perfect 77 degree day, there was lots o’ skin on display.  I think I pulled a neck muscle from constantly turning my head in a sprinkler like fashion.  The Clemson Athletic Department really should think about handing out some courtesy foam neck braces for visiting fans.

So we finally get to our seats in the top deck, Row FF (I think that stands for F’n Far).  And what do I see around me?  Kids.  Babies, toddlers and more kids.  I couldn’t believe that these Clemson fans bring their 2 and 3 yr old kids to these games.  One couple even had a baby that couldn’t have been more than 6 months old, in diapers.  WTF?  Am I at a college football game or a f’n Yo Gabba Gabba concert?  There must have been 5 or 6 kids in the row in front of us.  Halfway through the 2nd quarter, I literally look down to see a mom actually changing her baby’s diaper.  Now, I wasn’t there for this kid’s previous meal but I can assure you that it was either carrots or sweet potatoes.  I think there was more orange in that kid’s poo than brown (ah, a true Clemson fan).  And – no doubt – that diaper had some kick to it.  It smelled worse than the Dayton airport.  Listen, I’m all for takin your kids to the game, but at least give the kid the dignity of changin his diaper in the restroom.  Besides, I paid to see a football game, not some soccer mom wipin pieces of half digested carrots off her son’s feces covered ass cheeks.  And if you don’t do it for me, do it for your son.  During this whole ordeal, the kid looked at me with a look in his eyes that said, ‘Can you believe this?  How humiliating.  My f’n mom’s too lazy to carry me down to the bathroom so now my balloon knot is on display for about 75 Hurricanes fans in broad daylight.  F me.’

As for the game, it was about as sloppy as that kid’s diaper.  Turnover after turnover.  Thankfully, Miami received more than it dished out, but man Jacory’s picks are gettin frustrating.  I’m a big Jacory fan and still am.  I think the WRs were to blame for some of his picks in the past, but these two today were squarely on him.  On the first one, I saw the safety roll over well before Jacory released the ball.  It seemed like it was in slow motion as I yelled out ‘Nooooo’ just prior to him releasing the ball.  Not sure what he saw there.  I haven’t seen such a perplexing decision since Heidi Klum decided to marry Seal.  The second INT was inexcusable.  On 3rd and Goal with a 6 point lead, you chuck that ball into the stands and take your 3 points if there is a 2% chance of it being intercepted.  Still, I’m hoping the play calling improves (i.e. more pounding the rock and quick curls and slants for Jacory, instead of those jump ball lob passes).

Khalil taps my shoulder and points to a Canes fan nearby.  ‘Dude, doesn’t that guy look like an Asian Justin Long?’  And, he did.  Spot.  On.  This guy looked EXACTLY like Justin Long, only he was Asian.  We called him…Justin Wong.  We look up and Ray Ray makes a huge pick with under half a minute remaining in the first half.  I had almost forgotten what it was like to force turnovers.  Jacory tosses his fourth touchdown of the half (to Hankerson, his third TD of the game).  I’m feeling pretty good about our 27-14 halftime lead despite the two interceptions.