…and not in the good 80s rap kind of ill. As in strep f’n throat. Sonuva! Was just chilling watching the LSU/A&M game last week and noticed my throat hurt. Then, the next day I got mad chest pains after taking a sinus/flu tablet.
At 2 am, I busted out in cold sweats and nausea. It was like the ’03 Fiesta all over again. After popping in another Tylenol, I started to turn red. I mean bright red, like John Candy in ‘Summer Rental.’
I did what most men do when they get sick. Nothing. Then, after a couple of days of this, I Google my symptoms and am convinced I had an allergic reaction to the medication. I head to the doc’s office to proudly rattle off my self diagnosis and the dude is like, ‘Uh, this is not an allergic reaction. Let me give you a strep test.’ Comes back 5 minutes later holding up a piece of paper that says STREP POS. I say, ‘Shows what I know. Guess that’s why they pay you the big bucks.’
So, the nurse comes in to give me a shot, and of course it’s on my ass. She notices the U on my sweatshirt and says she’s a fan, too. We start talkin and she says she thinks it was wrong that Randy got fired. ‘Yeah, they probably should have given him one more year,’ I say, lying out of politeness. She tells me that her daughter went to school with Jacory. ‘Get outta here! To Northwestern? I like Jacory.’ That’s actually not a lie. That dude can toss 10 INTs a game and I’ll still be a fan. I’m glad to hear he doesn’t want to transfer. While Morris might have the inside track on the starting job, Jacory is eatin 6 meals a day and putting on weight. More weight = more zip on the ball. I’m with 99% of the fans that believe Morris should be the clear starter. But, there is an open competition and I trust Al Golden‘s decision, whoever it is. Besides, you know how Bogart said “We’ll always have Paris”? Well, Jacory and I will always have FSU 2009.
Anyway, back to me getting a shot in my ass. I bend over slightly and pull down my pants and the nurse exclaims, “Wow, impressive.’ Well…maybe she didn’t say those exact words. I think it was more like: ‘Um, sir, you don’t have to pull them down that far, it’s just going on the hip.’ My bad. Hey, at least I didn’t grab my ankles. This whole scene reminded me of the time I had my appendix taken out in 2007.
After the surgery to remove my appendix, the doctor ordered a suppository to be given to me. Why I couldn’t just take something different orally, I’ll never know. I think the doctor secretly disliked me and therefore requested this. In walks a giant Russian woman who I think was named Olga. ‘Dis is dee soopozitory. Turrn on yorr side.’ What, no dinner and drinks before this? I was new to the entering-the-anal-cavity genre as up until now, it had been exit only. So, I turn on my side and reveal a frightened anus. Olga snaps on her gloves with workmanlike precision. I thought she’d at least lube up or something but I didn’t see that happen. I was nervous. I wasn’t prepared to have to have something put into my ass until I was at least 50 (colon screenings are important).
‘Just Reelax.’ Relax? You’re about to shove a giant horse pill into my exit only asshole. F-ck! Beads of sweat were starting to form on my forehead. I closed my eyes with all my might. ‘Quick and easy’ I think to myself, ‘This will be over in a couple seconds.’
It is time. My heart is racing. Olga places one hand on my right ass cheek. It’s a very large hand. Then, she tries to push a giant pill into my ass with the other. It’s not going. My anus is clenched like a child’s mouth refusing medicine. It’s not goin down without a fight. ‘Relax!’ shouts Olga. Relax? I’ve got a Russian Rosie O’Donnell trying to shove a giant hard object into my asshole. Her shouting causes my anus to tighten even further. She’s struggling to get it in, but my rear is putting up the fight of its life. Arrrrgh! She moves one leg back as if to utilize her body weight in order to shove the pill in. Finally, and painfully, the pill squeezes in.
I feel violated.
Now, I’ve never been raped. But I’m pretty sure it feels a little bit like this. As she left the room, there were no good byes, no thank yous. She just packed up and left. No hug? A handshake? (well, maybe a handshake isn’t the best idea) We just shared a moment, Olga. Call me? And so, my ass can no longer claim to be exit only. Hey, at least it’ll prepare me better for my colon screening when I’m 50.
As for the strep I currently have – it’s not too bad. The good news is the doc prescribed me some codeine syrup. Aw-aw! Ain’t that purple drank? I’m gonna invite Lil Wayne and JaMarcus Russell over the house crib to hang out this weekend so we can sip on some sizzurp.
The website probably won’t be affected. Good thing it’s a slow news week for Canes fans. We’ll probably check back when Golden picks an Offensive Coordinator, which is hopefully sometime soon. Leach? (crossing fingers) And now that Stoutland‘s gone, me thinks it’s time that they bring back Art Kehoe.
Stay Healthy Canes fans….I gotta rest up.
P.S. Guys, in lieu of flowers or get well cards, please just donate to Canes Pundit’s PayPal account. Thanks. Ladies, you can send your get well wishes in the form of emailed self portrait photos to CanesPundit@gmail.com. Bonus points if you’re flashing the U. Double bonus points if you’re flashing the U with your legs.
UPDATE (1/13/11): The verdict is in. And the new Miami Hurricanes Offensive Coordinator is….Jedd Fisch. His resume looks decent…worked with Brandon Marshall in Denver (so really, he can put up with anything). Is only 34 years old, though that’s not necessarily a bad thing. And, went to Florida (which is a bad thing). We’ll have more on this later. Right now, I gotta drink some codeine syrup and pass out.
Fisch at a Glance
Born: May 5, 1976
Hometown: Livingston, N.J.
High School: Hanover Park – East Hanover, N.J.
Alma Mater: University of Florida, 1998
Coaching Experience
2008: Denver Broncos Wide Receivers
2007: Baltimore Ravens Assistant Quarterbacks
2005-06: Baltimore Ravens Assistant Quarterbacks/Wide Receivers
2004: Baltimore Ravens Offensive Assistant
2002-03: Houston Texans Defensive Quality Control
2001: Houston Texans Offensive/Defensive Assistant
1999-2000: Florida Graduate Assistant
1998: New Jersey Red Dogs (AFL) Wide Receivers/Quality Control
1997-98: P.K. Yonge High School Defensive Coordinator
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
did Olga use one finger or 2?
Not sure. It seemed like she fisted me, to be honest.
The strep is God’s way of punishing you for skipping out on my wedding. I think Lebron put it best…”Karma is a b***h!”
Man, I like Jacory too, but don’t know if that dude is salvageable. Fisch supposedly has had great success coaching up his QBs, and god knows we need all the coaching up as possible. He had Flacco and helped with the Bronco’s offensive success. I don’t see any previous O-coordinator experience though, not that it’s a pre-req but we just had a proven NFL OC come in and flame out. Would’ve thought he’d go after someone that comes in with stronger resume.
get better man, even sick you still make a great post, ha
{ 2 trackbacks }