As a Hurricane fan, I never liked Michael Vick in college, of course. In the pros, I appreciated his unique skills, but wasn’t particularly fond of the guy, as I am a Dolphins fan. And when he got arrested, I was appalled at what he had done, as well as the few who thought his deeds should go unpunished.
Pan to January of 2011. Michael Vick had served twenty one (21!) months in jail for his part in a dog fighting ring and the execution of dogs. He has made a successful comeback to the NFL. As the 2010 AP Comeback Player of the Year, Vick passed for over 3,000 yards with the Eagles, accounting for 30 touchdowns while leading them to the playoffs. He has stayed out of trouble since his release from prison and his community service has exemplified that.
I am sitting at a corporate lunch a few weeks ago at some fancy steakhouse that I normally wouldn’t frequent. Across the table from me is a morbidly obese woman we’ll call Fatty. Now, when I say morbidly obese, I’m not talkin two chins here. Three. Her double chin has a chin. She’s not bashful with the hairspray either, as if it will draw attention away from her corpulence. Now, I never had a problem with my large co-worker. That is, until our lunch conversation turned to football. Specifically, Michael Vick.
‘I can’t stand Michael Vick. He should still be in jail as far as I’m concerned. He’s a murderer.’
At first, I thought she might be kidding, but she wasn’t. Immediately, I go into lawyer mode (by the way, I am not a lawyer): “You know…what he did was certainly heinous and unthinkable, but you do realize that the man served his time – something like 2 years – in prison, right?’
Fatty didn’t want to hear it: ‘I don’t care. It should be ten years. He physically murdered those living beings.’
Oh sh-t, not one of these PETA mother f’ers. I reply, trying to remain calm while overcome with the strange feeling that I’m actually defending Michael Vick: ‘I don’t know, I just think it’s odd for someone to get nearly two years in prison for killing a dog when Leonard Little is still playing in the NFL and never got significant jail time for killing a human being while driving drunk.’ (Fun fact of the day: Little blew twice the legal limit, got 90 days in jail and probation, has never apologized to the victim’s family, and got another DUI years later – also without serving significant jail time. Rock on Lenny!)
From there Fatty started squawkin again about dogs being living beings, which was not the point I was arguing. We decided to let things slide as I was gettin ready to throw down with my female coworker (who outweighs me by a good 75 lbs…don’t worry, she might have had the weight advantage, but I had a clear reach advantage). This mother f’er served his time. Paid his punishment. What he did was egregious and awful. BUT, he paid his dues and should be given a clean slate.
The best part was when the waiter came around to take our order. This fat, mouth breathing, diabetic whore has the nerve to order ribs. Oh no she di-int! Ribs?! ‘Did you just order the ribs?’ I ask her. ‘Yeah, so’ said Fatty. ‘You do realize that they have to kill a pig in order for you to eat it, right? I don’t think they’re gonna lull him to sleep and wait til he dies of old age and then dice him up.’ I then proceeded to inform her that pigs are just as smart as dogs and are actually revered as pets in some countries (with some considering them sacred).
I kept droppin knowledge on her fat face, about how dogs are actually routinely eaten in the Far East. And yes, they have to be killed first. What, cuz they are household pets in the US, they should be glorified? Why is it OK to kill a pig but not a dog? Cuz they taste better? Ordering ribs is like having a hitman do your Michael Vick-esque killing for you. If the pig’s lucky, he’ll get zapped before they slit his throat and he bleeds to death. I didn’t even get into the fact that the pig she’s about to consume probably spent most of his days confined in a pen that he can’t even turn around in. Most pigs in factory farms develop sores due to this and gnaw at their encasings, while mothers cry out for their young (which are removed shortly after their birth). Sh-t, at least Vick let his pets roam around in the back yard some.
All I’m sayin is, think about something before you say it. Don’t be anti-Vick and then order the f’n ribs, man. Besides, you weigh 250 lbs, you should be ordering the salad instead of the ribs anyway.
Quick Hits: Saw that Brandon Harris dropped out of Kiper’s 1st round mock. Sporting News has Leonard Hankerson projected to go in the 1st. Talk about upside with Hank. Imagine what he can do with someone like Rodgers or Manning throwing the ball to him (no offense, Jacory and Stephen)….Lemme get this straight – Jimbo Fisher gets a $4.75 million raise ($950K annually) after a 4 loss season? I’d hate to see what they give him after a 3 - or even 2 - loss season….I’m changing my pick for this season’s ‘The Bachelor’ (don’t pretend like you don’t watch it) to the petite dentist. The other girls seem too young and that one girl Chantel O. packed on 15 lbs and tossed the L word at him two weeks into it. That’s not a recipe for a proposal, lady….Remember to follow us on twitter at www.twitter.com/CanesPundit - if you don’t we will put on a Michael Vick jersey and strangle a puppy at the stroke of midnight.