The Day Someone Shoved a Finger Up My Ass

Continuing our Spring Break from football related articles, today we give you the tale of the time someone shoved a finger up the Pundit’s ass:

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The Day Someone Shoved a Finger Up My Ass

by Canes Pundit

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Actually, it was two days and two different people. This is not a story of violating abuse, rather it is a tale of conquering fear and pain.  It all started one summer day a few years ago…

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It was mid-August in 2008 and I was as healthy as a 33 year old could be.  6% body fat, BMI in the recommended range, and able to bench 100 pounds over my body weight.  Nothing could stop me.  Then one evening, as I have been known to do, I went for a run down the streets of Midtown Atlanta.  The sun was falling and I was feeling great.  After a brisk 45 minute run – much longer than my typical 20-30 minute jaunt - I arrived home, showered and drank a tall glass of water.  An hour later I went to the bathroom to pee…and was horrified by what I saw.

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Brown pee.  Not slightly discolored.  Brown.  It looked like Coca-Cola was comin out of my weiner.  No pain was involved, but needless to say, this was alarming.  After flushing, I darted to the computer to Google ‘brown pee’ and saw the results.  ‘Blood in the urine’…’seek medical attention’…’symptomatic of multiple serious illnesses and diseases, including cancer.’  C-c-c-cancer?  Sonuva!  But I feel so good.  Surely, it was just a one time thing.  I ignored the medical advice I just read and slept on it, hoping it would just go away.

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The next morning I eagerly headed to the toilet, hoping to see my typical clear pee.  But, no.  Brown again.  F-ck.  Normally, like most men, I ignore symptoms but this seemed like it was something I should probably get checked out so I made a doctor’s appointment that day.  I figured they’d take a urine sample and let me know the results and that would be the end of it.  Boy, was I wrong.

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I arrive at the doctor’s office and the nurse gives me a cup to pee in.  To my surprise, the brown is gone.  Woo!  I’m in the clear!  Only, I wasn’t.  The nurse came back half an hour later.  Apparently, they have on site testing and she noted that despite my urine’s return to its normal color, it still tested positive for blood, so she was going to have to do a colon screening. ‘Oh, ok.  Is that like an x-ray?’  Ummm, no.  I then learned that it was a ‘digital’ colon screening.  ‘Digital?’ I said with authentic surprise.  My heart started to race.  ‘I’m guessing that doesn’t mean digital x-rays.’  F-ck.  I always thought that I’d be 50 or older before any fingers were shoved up my ass.  Sure, I had received a suppository after my appendectomy a year ago, but that was child’s play when compared with a living, moving adult finger.

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The good news was that she was female.  The bad news was that she outweighed me by a good 75 pounds.  Big woman = big fingers.  She asked me to lower my pants to my knees and bend over the bed.  Ugh.  How humiliating.  Sure, I know it’s a necessary step to provide optimal medical assistance, but f’n A, it’s the 21st century.  Do they not have a better way of detecting polyps in my colon?  I quickly had to mentally prepare myself for this, cuz Bertha the Nurse was snappin on her gloves and lubin up.

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I close my eyes and prepare for the worst.  Will I scream externally?  I know I will internally, but will I be able to muffle my vocal chords?  Will I bleed like a deflowered virgin?  Will it be painful?  Will it be enjoyable?  The time had come.  “OK, just try to relax.”  She places a cold gloved hand on my left ass cheek and starts fiddlin around my balloon knot with her right index finger.  My anus is clenched tighter than a snare drum.  “Just try to relax.”  Her voice was much more calm and soothing than the Russian broad who shoved that horse pill up my ass a year ago.  You would have thought a suppository would have prepared me for this, but my butt was as impenetrable as the Death Star in ‘Star Wars.’  Only a precise hit would be granted access to the Promised Land.

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Meanwhile, it’s quite humiliating.  I would like nothing more than for this whole thing to be over (as I’m sure she would).  Yet, here we are with her man-like index finger struggling to penetrate my anal cavity.  With a fair amount of pain and discomfort, her finger finally pushes through.  ‘Whoa!’ I think to myself.  ‘So this is what it’s like to have a finger up your ass.  Hmmm.  For one, it’s quite uncomfortable.  Gay dudes dig this?  Secondly, it feels like I’m taking a sh-t.’  She starts pokin around down there and I rest my head on the table and think of how low I have sunk.  Just a few days ago I was at the peak of my physical condition.  Now, I got some lady – whose last name I don’t even know – buried to the second knuckle inside me.  One thing I was extremely grateful for, though, was the lube.  I can’t stress that enough.  Attempting this – whether for medical purposes or just plain ole good times – without lube is highly discouraged.

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After the longest 15 seconds of my life, she pulls out and declares the coast clear.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that now my ass is sore and dripping with lube.  Ah, good times.  She leaves the room after providing some wipes so I can mop up the goo oozing out of my anus.  What, you don’t wanna share a cigarette?  Seriously, there’s gotta be a better way to detect cancer in 2008 than this.  But, despite my bow legged walk, I am relieved to know that the Big C wasn’t coming for me.  As I’m wiping, a feeling of sadness comes over me.  I can no longer claim to be a man who hasn’t had a finger shoved up his ass.  I suddenly feel a great deal of sympathy towards rape victims.  Man, if this is how you feel after a voluntary colorectal screening, I can only imagine the plight rape victims endure.

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To make a long story short, a week later, some dudes in their 30s took a look at my package (they were doctors) and, combined with the lab results, concluded that it was a simple case of severe dehydration.  They had me follow up with my doctor a week later where he, too, donned the rubber gloves and had me bend over the exam table.  Interestingly, after my episode two weeks prior, this time it was a breeze.  His lubed and gloved finger slid right in like an electric plug into a socket.  Go figure.

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The moral of this story is twofold….1) Colon cancer screenings are very important.  An estimated 60% of colorectal cancer could be avoided if the elderly population had regular screenings….and 2) if someone is going to shove anything up your ass, make sure they lube up.

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